As I was saying, I told coach that Sienna had died, and I need an outlet for my anger, he understood, so to it, everyone else was extremely fit, particularly Kevin, he’s been training and teaching Muay Thai for years, most of the group had started learning the moves in January so I was 10 months behind and most were expert fighters before they started, all were dedicated to the sport, for most it was the main thing in their lives, save there families.

The Class was two hours long, I weighed 77 kilos I’d been working on my fitness and my weight for about 6 months, ever since Jenny said I was looking really fat, which was true I must have been near 100 KG’s in March 2010, I was so fat It was uncomfortable, I’d initially put on weight during Caitlin’s pregnancy, sympathy weight we joked, but it was just laziness, the laziness of being in a comfortable relationship and not needing to look good to attract a mate, this had happened a few times in my life, always with the same result, you get dumped for a less overweight man. I’m glad to say I’m over this flaw, quite simply exercise increases my happiness and help’s me fight on with life regardless what it throws at me.

I’d been training about 12 hours a week but compared to the rest of the class I was a way behind, we would all skip for 10 minutes as a warm up, not one of them stopped, I’d struggle two do two minutes without a 10 second or so breather. Then running around, punching, star jump, forward judo rolls, carrying great big bags, piggy back races, then to it, one on one take downs, no punching, just trying to throw your opponent to the floor, mainly by two techniques, under hooks, trying to get a firm grip under your opponents arms and around their neck and pull them sharply of balance then try to trip their leg. Or a technique of going to one knee pushing your shoulder to their stomach and either just keep pushing grabbing a leg or anything to knock them backward, or hooking your foot behind their trailing leg, tripping them backwards. I preferred this method.

Once you had got your opponent on the floor you very quickly had to try and straddle them, so as to then pound their face continually with your fists, we obviously refrained from this in training. I surprised all who fought me, and came out with a 50/50 takedown ratio. What they did not know was that I had Sienna power, which to my surprise did not come out as uncontrolled psychopathic rage, but a burst of super strength like the incredible hulk. What I’d do, and excuse my language, was mid grapple, just at the time my fitness was failing think about those 3 words “Blunt forced Trauma” and in my head say “You killed my baby you bastard” this did it near every time, as opponents were flung to the floor, god knows what I would have done in a competitive fight? A few months of training later I was taking private lessons with coach and I’d told him of a move I was working on, which involved a combination of 40 or so hooks, uppercuts, roundhouses and a back kick before going for the clench, and then four sharp knee pull downs, where you are in a clasp around the neck and you sharply pull your opponents head down and your knee up and bang, then the take down, He commented something along the lines of he would be worried about fighting me if that’s the way I think, which was pretty cool as he’s got 25 Kilos on me, and considered one of the best in the world. In reality I’d last less that 20 seconds, which would simply be 20 seconds of running away in big circles, but it was a nice thing for him to say

My favorite part of MMA though was the floor work, much like wrestling Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, its designed so a smaller opponent can beat a bigger opponent, and there are so many combinations of moves its more like a science that a sport. 9 out of 10 times this is where the fight is won, no matter how good an opponent is with there fists or legs, so long as you can take a few punches and have a good takedown technique, if you know more Jiu Jitsu you were going to win, and I was good at it, I loved it.

My plan was to have my first competitive fight, on August the 1st 2011, the anniversary of Sienna’s death, Coach had cleared it and I had 9 months to get ready, the final 6 months training 8 hours a day every day. I wanted to fight someone significantly bigger than me, and I wanted to utterly destroy them, blood and more blood, I had no fear of getting hurt, crazy enough I actually enjoyed the pain of arm locks and the like.

This was my outlet, this is how I channeled my anger and managed to lead a normal enough life outside of the cage, a life without the tragedy of loss that Caitlin was going through. But then disaster, my back went, Id had a problem with my 5th vertebrae for years, but I’d been strengthening it for 8 months with stretches, swimming, Pilates and hiking all good core exercise, it had been fine for so long I thought It would be good forever as long as I kept active, but no. I rested, came back, more Pilates, Chiropractor, acupuncture you name it. But it was not a simple fix, finally Patrick my Chiropractor said, if I seriously want to fight in August I’d need to rest for 3 months. So that was that, Coach was very disappointed, as was I, I’d made good friends in our group.

Saturday 18th June 2011 1.32PM GMT

This book will take on a Quentin Tarantino back and forwards on timelines, I’d started the next chapter “The Return of Sanity” 3 days back, but had not mentioned the insanity or extreme spirituality that occurred between Mid February and End May 2011.

But first a quick backtrack to November, after Ilene and a conversation with my Mother I had bitten the bullet and asked Zenda to come down to live with me from Johannesburg. Zenda had been exclaiming her love for me for many years, something that Caitlin righty disapproved of. Zenda was my girlfriend before Caitlin but she’d dumped me for Sal, gone to Dubai, got pregnant, but they split up 3 months into the pregnancy.

I had two concerns, firstly we used to fight a lot and secondly how would it be for me seeing a child not much older than Sienna grow up. But being loved sounded good to me, the loss of Sienna, living 10,000 miles from family and friends you’d grown up with, a string of failed relationships, the pressure of debt and Caitlin hell bent on turning Cape Town against me was not a nice way to live. Unfortunately my hang ups about sex, Zenda’s mother continually putting her down, Sal not paying Child support, put her in persistent moods, three days of happiness, and then a crash. I’d explained before she came that with fitness came endorphins and cured depression, soon after the persistent crashes I mentioned mood stabilizers, she could well be in post natal depression. But she refused, so for 8 months I had to deal with her ups and downs. Without her recognizing she had a problem, this was no way to live the rest of my life so I insisted on just being friends, we are still friends and as it turned out it was enlightening seeing a baby grow up. We did however try to have a relationship till February; I’d fully loved her at one point but the very next day another crash :(